To the editor:
O.K., Mr. Hexum, here's the deal: We surrender. All of us liberal, heretical, bleeding heart, heathen, non-Christian, humanist idealogues give up. You win. The white flag is waving. We're crying "uncle." We can't fight you any more.
Your nonsensical tirades; your taking comments out of context; your incessant use of whatever bit of Scripture happens to support your contentions; your totally illogical logic; your intolerance of anything that doesn't smack of evangelistic propriety have finally convinced us that trying to counter your arguments is like trying to stop the wind from blowing.
So let's just make a deal, whaddya say?
You stop writing your letters and we'll go along with everything you say. You can continue to make straight the way of the Lord; we're not asking you to abandon your messianic complex. Just, please, stop writing letters.
Here's a thought: Why don't you take your tens of supporters and start a commune somewhere? How about if we give you Utah or, better yet, Wyoming? (I mean, Cheney would probably be willing to help establish some type of community out there.) Though that seems a bit impractical, it would certainly open up virtually unlimited new vistas for you and your supporters. You could ban all those people you find so offensive and live in a nice insular environment. No gays. No welfare recipients. No feminists. Nobody who thinks differently than you. (You know-kind of like what the Taliban wants to (re)establish in Afghanistan.)
Or, if that doesn't appeal to you, we could probably work out other options. I mean, I'd be perfectly willing to support, say, a Palin/Bachmann ticket in 2012, if that's what it would take.
See, we're desperate here. We just can't do it any more. How about it? Deal? Please? We're begging you...