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LETTER TO EDITOR: He's seen the light; Democrats will go to hell

So, there I was, comfortably ensconced on my deck, looking out at the lake, enjoying the clement weather and the wildlife and all the other wonders Nature has to offer, and I was feeling pretty good, you know. Not in a smug, self-righteous way; but, rather, in just a somewhat satisfied, life-is-generally-pretty- good manner. I've got a decent roof over my head; I pay my taxes; my job is, for the most part, fulfilling; I love my wife and children ; I give to my church and donate to various charitable organizations; my health is relatively good. Granted, I'm not wealthy or famous, but that's O.K. I'm getting by. Anyway, always curious to see what people have to say, I opened up the EB to the op-ed page and read the gentleman's letter stating that Democrats can't be Christians (Or is it the other way around? No matter).

Suddenly, I felt......dirty. Ashamed. Betrayed. I saw myself as the biggest charlatan around. A fraud. A sham. His letter drove a stake right through my left-leaning heart. His logic is irrefutable, and his arguments so well thought out and reasonable.

To top it off, he quotes all those Scripture passages. Corinthians and Titus and Romans and a half-dozen or so more. You know, Matthew 7:1 ("Judge not lest ye be judged.") Oops! I guess he missed that one. But everybody's favorite, John 3:16 (" For God so loved the world..." (Does that include Muslims? Gays? Democrats?) Well, O.K., he missed that one, too, but you can't quote them ALL. You've got to pick and choose the ones that "fit," for goodness sakes.

As I sat there, mulling over what he had to say, I got angry, thinking about all those people in my life (parents, teachers, mentors, politicians, and a multitude of other namby-pamby do-gooders) who had deluded me over the years with all that empty rhetoric about tolerance, equal opportunity, racial equality, and love for one's fellow man. Get thou behind me, Martin Luther King, Jr.!! Let me be, Paul Wellstone!! Out of my life forever, JFK!! Never again will I fall prey to your idealistic visions and inspiring examples. And as soon as that epiphany hit me, I felt cleansed. Rejuvenated. Liberated. No more worrying about the plight of our poor. No more wasting time agonizing over how we treat our senior citizens. No sir, doggone it, I could spend my time on weightier issues like my stock portfolio and wealth index.

I leaped up from the table and (much to the chagrin of my dog and two cats) began to sing off-tune renditions of all the great American songs. Wrapping myself in my American flag, I went inside and turned on Fox News Channel in order to be edified by all the fair and balanced newcasters and commentators about what is REALLY going on and what REALLY matters. All the while, great gouts of patriotic tears streamed down my face, washing me clean. I vowed I'd never again say "Democrat" or "liberal," save if I spat them out like some sort of vile epithet. Hoping to make my penance complete and somehow, some way making myself worthy of redemption, I made out checks to the RNC, the NRA, Joe Wilson's re-election campaign, Sarah Palin's clothing fund, and any and all other good solid Republican causes. Exhausted and spent, I nonetheless reveled in the euphoria and bliss of having seen the error of my ways. (Though, I must admit, I felt considerably more narrow-minded and intolerant.)

However, I must admit I've been having second thoughts. I mean, really, if the only people one has to look forward to spending eternity with are George W., Dick Cheney, Lindsay Graham, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Sean Hannity and others of their ilk, I'm not too sure becoming a Republican is worth the effort. Because how would that be appreciably different from Hades?

I think I'll stick with good ol' Lucifer; at least with him you know what you're getting.

Jeff Tweeton