Letter: Irreconcilable differences necessitates Divorce
Dear American liberals, leftists, progressives, socialists, atheists, Marxists and Obama supporters, etc. Our two ideological sides of America cannot, nor will not, agree on anything; so let's just end all of the fighting and bickering now and go our own separate ways. We can have an amicable split and part ways on friendly terms. I've devised a plan to divvy things up that will satisfy both sides. Being a conservative, and by having observed liberals; I have a pretty good idea what each side wants.
Here's my proposal: Since 76 percent of Americans profess Christianity, we'll take 38 states. The agnostics, atheists, humanists and cults can have the remaining 12. Given you have no interest in secure borders, you take the SW corner and open up your borders to Mexico and the world. You take the undocumented workers (illegal aliens), unlicensed pharmacists (drug dealers), uninvited houseguests (thieves), unwanted lovers (rapist), unsolicited executioners (murderers) and revolutionaries (terrorist). You can keep diversity, multi-culturalism, globalization and political correctness. We'll remain the melting pot promoting unity, assimilation and autonomy. Never again having to press "1" for English! You can keep the U.N. but we will no longer pay for it.
We'll keep our greedy capitalist and bible thumping fathers; "James Madison: Charity is no part of the legislative duty of the government." and "G. Washington: It's impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible." You can keep your atheist and wealth redistributing fathers; "Karl Marx: From each according to his ability, to each according to his need." and "Vladimir Lenin: Our program necessarily includes the propaganda of atheism." You can implement Obama's "fundamental change", we'll keep the constitution. We'll keep the Declaration of Independence with its firm reliance on Divine Providence; you can have "the communist manifesto" with its reliance on big government. We'll practice Reagan's trickle down economics, you can give Jimmy Carter's trickle up poverty another try. Given your desire to see equality for all, you keep minimum wage and unions; and we'll keep capitalism. Because of your love for big government; you can keep the IRS and income taxes.
Since many on the left despise law enforcement, guns and the military; we'll take the NRA, Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and all weapons. Your ambassadors, Michael Moore and Sean Penn, can negotiate peace deals with North Korea, Iran and Venezuela. You can sit in a circle and sing "Kum Ba Yah" and "I'd like to teach the world to sing" with Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-il, and Hugo Chavez; we'll follow Teddy's motto "To speak softly and carry a big stick". John Lennon's "Imagine" can be your national anthem; and we'll keep the Battle hymn of the republic, America the beautiful and Star spangled banner. With all of the religious and pro-war undertones of God's shedding grace, bombs bursting in air, and men dying for freedom; most of you on the left would find these songs offensive. If you don't mind, we would like to keep the American flag; perhaps you can find something else to burn, spit on, stomp on, and fly upside down. You can take the ACLU, NEA, liberal professors, trial lawyers, and lenient Judges; we'll keep the greedy corporations, big business, big oil, and Wall Street. You keep the reverends Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Jeremiah Wright as your spiritual leaders; and we'll take the bible believing pastors as ours.
We'll use Noah Webster, father of American scholarship and education, who said "Education is useless without the Bible" as our model for education. The radical reformer of the public education system John Dewey, with his view of no room for eternal truth outside human experience, can be your model. Since many of you are either relativists or find truth offensive and narrow-minded, you can keep the liberal newspapers and leftwing news media; and we'll take conservative talk radio and the FNC.
We'll keep Palin and Bachman; the honest, down to earth, common sense, freedom loving, pro-life patriots as our leaders. You can keep the elitist, smooth-talking, teleprompter reading, abortion condoning community organizer as yours.
I hope this separation agreement is acceptable and satisfactory to all parties. Having such distinct and contrasting views, made this a relatively easy task. I think it will be beneficiary to all and we can finally end the discord and divisiveness.