Column: Have a stupid idea for a study? There's money for it
Recently, while on my daily commute to work, I heard a radio announcer laughing about the results of a recently completed study.
Before I tell you what the study was about I ask that all female readers put their torches and pitchforks in a locked closet and throw away the key.
I did not perform this study - I'm just telling our readers about it so they too can drive off the road while laughing uncontrollably.
The announcer read a story about the results of a recent study conducted somewhere else in the world. I think it was from Sweden or some other country in that region.
Anyway, the intense study came up with the most valuable information you could ever dream of hearing. The study concluded that the average woman in the world spends nearly a full year of her life deciding what she's going to wear.
Wait, I felt that rock whiz past my head.
I should have also asked our female readers to keep their hands off of anything they could throw.
The study said, "choosing outfits for work, nights out, dinner parties, holidays, gym and other activities means the average female will spend 287 days rifling through their wardrobe."
Wow, and money was actually spent to fund that program so we could hear that earth-shattering conclusion!
After hearing that I began to think about what other ridiculous studies have been funded.
Before I even realized it I remembered something I had read somewhere a few days earlier.
One study was actually conducted in the United States and at a California university. Just knowing that California was involved prepares you for hearing something ridiculous.
The study by Stanford University suggested that men like The Three Stooges more than women. It concluded that "men are more analytical about humor."
And I wish I could, but I cannot claim ownership of the next line that someone else thought of after they heard about the study.
"That Stanford fella is a real wise guy, eh? Soitenly! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk."
Remembering that forced me to do an Internet search to see what other ridiculous studies wasted taxpayers money elsewhere around the world.
Here are some of them:
A recent U.S. study found that sneezing spreads germs. There's real groundbreaking research.
Bees like gardens. Next thing they'll tell us is that alcoholics like drinking.
Adults speak differently to babies. Wa, wa, wa, goo, goo, ga, ga.
Talking on your cell phone after you go to bed makes you tired the next day. They're working on funding on another earth shattering idea - that not getting any sleep makes you tired the next day.
Resistance to the taunt of chocolate is futile. One person on the Internet said; "OK, so, this revolutionary study showed the more I think about chocolate, the more I have to have it. Mind blowing!"
Laughing makes you feel yummier. I don't have to say a word about this one.
Laughing triggers asthma. So that means in order not to have an asthma attack you must live among people similar in humor to Osama bin Laden.
Night shift nurses have poor sleep habits. Duh ... maybe that's because they are working when they should be sleeping.
The next study I'm dreaming to hear about? People that eat too much can become overweight. Wow, that will certainly earn a Nobel Prize for medicine.
Joe VanDeLaarschot is the editor of the East Otter Tail Focus. He can be reached by calling 218-346-5900, ext. 228 or by email at: firstname.lastname@example.org.