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Columnists: An almost magnetic attraction to naps

Back on the farm growing up, dad was a big napper, and I can remember him snoozing a few minutes after a huge midday meal, there on the living room carpet.

So I come from a genetic napping ancestry.

Right now, I'm napping on a two-inch-thick magnetic mattress, on my living room floor. Being successfully retired means setting goals. I've set a goal for myself: I'm going to fully research napping.

Before I get to that goal, it seems there is a lot of literature, and a lot of personal testimonials, supporting the effectiveness of magnetism in treating various ailments. Magnetism, according to one manufacturer of guaranteed magnetic bracelets, "releases magnetic bursts of energy into the electromagnetic structure of iron-rich red blood cells."

Magnetism has some big fans.

Incidentally, Dr. David Palmer, who is credited with the science of chiropractic medicine, began his career back in the late 1800s as a magnetic healer. Back then, you surrounded a patient with large magnets. Got a headache? Stick your head in here. Soon, for one reason or another, you forgot about your headache.

Anyway, after one of these healing sessions, Dr. Palmer, on the sidewalk in front of his magnetic healing clinic, exchanged a funny story with a patient who had just been treated for deafness. Dr. Palmer clapped him on the back, probably said something like "Great story!" The patient suddenly could hear in the ear that had been deaf. Dr. Palmer put two and two together, made a spinal causation connection, and there you have chiropractic medicine.

Back to my retirement goals: I'm going to scientifically determine, through exhaustive napping, where the best place - and time - to nap is. This will require huge sacrifices of time and patience from those folks around me who love and admire me. Frankly, it's the least they can do to support what I'm certain will become as important to napping as a clap on the back was to chiropractic healing.

Furthermore, this research is going to determine the role of magnetic napping to one's personal well being. So in addition to testing the best time to nap, the best length of a nap, the best place to nap, the number of naps best taken per day, the best season for napping, napping on magnetic bursts of who knows what versus regular napping, there will be many other napping variations which I'm sure will arise from the increased mental vigor all this research is going to give me.

In particular detail, this research will determine if, for example, it is better to: shovel snow or nap; mow lawn or nap; fish or nap (a tough one, because there are a lot of zealous fisher-people out there who will argue against me). There are other comparisons to be made, but no sacrifice will be too large.

I suppose the most difficulty in all this will be the fishing comparison, because this will require me to put in a huge amount of time both napping and fishing. Napping and daytime fishing. Napping and nighttime fishing. Day and night napping vs. day and night fishing. Morning. Midday. Early evening. Honest, the world had better thank me for this huge sacrifice of personal effort.

All this has tired me. Exhausting, this research stuff.