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Column: Alcohol a common factor in Darwin Awards

It’s time for some more Darwin Award contenders. As you know, Darwin Awards are given to those human beings (usually male – go figure!), who through boneheaded activity remove themselves from the gene pool.

Three Eaton, Ohio men died on the evening of July 4. James, Billy and Ashley were killed early Friday morning after their blue Ford pickup rolled over on a country road. Hogs and alcohol were contributing factors to the accident. (Hogs and alcohol, now that’s pretty unique. This kind of behavior is what gets you into contention for The Award.)

“We found several beer cans in and around the scene,” said Sheriff Andrew Watson.

The driver had a blood alcohol content twice the legal limit.

The events unfolded like this:

The three men spent the national holiday drinking. Later that evening, they were struck with sudden cravings for pork chops.

“They were popping off fireworks when Jimmy said they ought to go get some eats,” reported Billy’s girlfriend, Emma.

At 11 p.m. they drove 10 miles to a pig farm, intent on stealing a hog. One of the men scaled the fence and tied the end of a rope to a pig. The other two men started pulling on the 400-pound beast. The stress of a struggling hog was too much for the 6-foot chain-link fence, and a 14-foot section collapsed loudly, startling the other hogs into a stampede.

“I was asleep when I heard this god-awful noise,” explained John Wilson, owner of the farm. “I run out of the house with my shotgun and shot off both barrels in the air, and yelled at them to get on out.”

The friends loaded up their stolen pig in a flash, tied the rope to the truck, and sped down the county road in excess of 90 miles per hour. Unfortunately, they forgot to buckle their seat belts ( but the pig was roped in).

Three miles down the road, the hog began making a commotion in the back of the pickup truck, causing the vehicle to swerve wildly. That threw the pig from the back of the truck, and it was dragged along the dirt road for about half a mile, hooked to the rope.

Distracted, the driver hit a soft shoulder, and the truck rolled 40 feet, ejecting all three men from the vehicle and killing them.

The victims were discovered at 5 a.m. by a passing motorist.

Police caution motorists to drive sensibly on dirt roads, wear seatbelts, and refrain from drinking while driving.

And the hog? It lived.

One more short one: A college student dressed up as Dracula for Halloween. He put a pine board down the front of his shirt so he could sink a knife into the board and pretend he was “staked,” like you do to a vampire, supposedly.

As he was hammering the knife into his board, it went right through the thin pine board into his heart. He staggered from his dorm room into the Halloween party, gasping, “I really did it!” Then he died.

This is kind of sad.

I also liked the one about the college student who decided to fly this large kite he had built as he was sitting on the roof of someone’s car, going quite fast. He became airborne; then he wasn’t. (There was alcohol involved in this one, too.)

You can find more of these on the internet. Look for Darwin Awards.