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Troubles with technology

Technology and I have been at each other's throats for a long time. I've held my own pretty well ever since I came back from Vietnam. It was then I realized that my refrigerator was poisoning me.

   Technology and I have been at each other’s throats for a long time. I’ve held my own pretty well ever since I came back from Vietnam.  It was then I realized that my refrigerator was poisoning me.

       I wouldn’t have known that, except for the fact that the furnace told me so. Normally, PTSD waits several years to kick into high gear, but as I said, technology and I started early.

     Even so, I’ve put up a good fight OVER THE YEARS having made a career out of fixing other people’s appliance woes, although you could say that I cheated, once I realized that appliances-beginning with that furnace rolling (ratting) on the refrigerator –could talk to me. Well, A PRETTY GOOD FIGHT (There. More technology crap! That stupid caps lock keeps turning itself on. What’s with that?), up to this last week, anyway. Even this computer REFUSES to let me be the boss. I guess we just have to LIVE WITH some of this stuff.

It sneaks up on you, this encroaching fight with technology, like WITH THE CAPS LOCK (Quit that!). I’m losing against technology. I fully realized that just YESTERDAY when I was trying to get a Microsoft Word document to print in two columns. And it wouldn’t. No matter how hard I tried.

I tried to call someone on my cell phone for help but when I dug it out of my pocket it was so hot that I threw it on the kitchen table and backed up three paces, worried that it might burst into flames. Yes, I know. It didn’t. Instead it just kept turning itself on and off and on anD OFF Like it was crazy. First the caps lock. Now I don’t have a phone. They say there’s a NEW ice age coming. It can’t come soon enough for me.

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At least the new refrigerator is behaving ITSELF. The old one? I swear it was out to bite me, the way it kept snapping its ice maker door flap-CLIK-CLIK. CLICK-CLIK!

According to the Internet-which was still WORKING at the time-that model for some people began peeing water out onto the kitchen floor, and folks would get up one morning to find that their REFRIGERATOR had wet the bed, so to speak.

I had to tape over one of the ice maker push buttons, because I think the ice crusher AUGER inside there wants to grind my fingers up like it has my wallet, after replacing its expensive INSIDES twice now. I know it is angry. It told me so in a dream. It said:  Remove the tape OR ELSE.

Not too long ago, I wrote about the washing MACHINE throwing one of its drive pulley nuts down on the floor like duelists USED to throw down a gauntlet. I accepted the challenge but I did so very CAREFULLY, remembering not too long ago when a fan tried to remove MY left pointer finger and it took a doctor and a dozen stitches to mend it. Look, I told Mr. Kenmore the Washing Machine, no fancy stuff here. If we’re going to fight, no knives, right? RIGHT, it replied, giggling at my fear.

Ever since THEN things have BEEN going haywire.

If you’re over forty, you may remember how easy it was to set that little mechanical slider                     thingeroo on the typewriter so YOU could                                                             tab your way into two columns.

     But NO!

Nothing is easy anymore.

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